We got to see the newest addition again yesterday. We're not banking on anything yet, but it sure looks like a boy in there. We got a pretty clear shot. I'm in a bit of shock over that notion. I'm a little scared to have a son. I'm not sure how to be a good mom to a boy. If this really is a boy (which I've thought all along & continue to believe, but we'll see in 5 weeks), it's gonna be a wild ride.

Babygirl is in quite a phase right now. She's learning so much, so fast, it's really astounding. Suddenly she's an active member of coherent conversations & slowly but surely potty training herself. One of her favorite parts of the day is watching a show on PBS called Signing Time, she follows along and even retains a fair amount of the signs. She's so opinionated & dramatic. And she's a ham... you pull out a mirror or camera & she is all over it. She's wild, too; jumping around, all over the furniture, scaring the hell out of me. She's stopped taking naps now, which is just so wonderful for me. Sigh. It's a lot of fun though, altogether.

Hubbs is chugging right along towards his promotion. I'm praying my brains out that this works out. It may be a crappy bunch of people to work for that we're not necessarily proud of, but experience is always good & this company is actually well-respected. If he could get some decent experience here, he can take it to a better company & move up the ladder. It's not grand, but it's a reasonable career path.

The generosity of the season really saved us this week. We barely brought home enough income to cover rent. The monetary gifts we got are what bought diapers & food for this week & next, until we get paid again. And work is giving me ZERO hours per week now. This is ... demoralizing.

This last week a very sweet, troubled man who was close to our family died. Quietly, at home, in his sleep. He always spoke about how he couldn't wait to "go home." He was tired & he was ready. He was young though. And he will be deeply missed. It's not often you have the pleasure of meeting a true angel on this earth. Paul, you were one. For all your troubles & hurdles, you were an amazing man, an inspiration. You will be missed deeply.

So as a way to avoid more complaining, here's some music I'm currently in love with.

Merry Christmas

Take time to be thankful.

THIS is the miracle that I'm most thankful for this year. These precious moments with my daughter make everything we go through feel a million miles away. I love you, Babygirl.

Everyone & their dog is telling me I should work at a daycare. I have a potential opportunity literally in my hands... to take or not to take?

Can I handle other people's kids? Can Layla? Can I keep Layla with me? Will I have time to get housework & stuff done if I'm working? Will they charge for Layla's care? What would the pay look like? What happens in 6 months when I have this baby too? So many questions....

This winter is about cleansing. Purging. Renewal. Cleaning out my closet, so to speak. I have a lot of cobwebs to knock out of the rafters before this little bean is born.

I was talking to my older brother last night. That doesn't happen nearly enough. He's amazing, really. He's so insightful & gentle-spirited & kind. We were discussing our childhood. We've both realized how poor a job our parents did, but that they tried. For each of the 3 of us kids, it hurt us in a different way. What was damaged in me was my sense of security, my faith in unconditional love (FOR but not FROM myself), and my self-esteem. I know that last one's really on me now, as Katt Williams says: " Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. " But without a solid foundation of worth in your family's eyes, how do you build any self-esteem? That's a tall order when you only hear things like "you're worthless" from your parentals. If that's the internal dialogue they create for you, how exactly do you overwrite that with nothing more than willpower? No reinforcement, no consenting opinions... just you.

That translated to a conversation about parenting. Jason's older by 2 years, he's married, they have an adorable little dog, he's a teacher. They don't have any kids yet, so far I'm the only one. But he's going to be an amazing parent. I really wish we lived closer than we do so my daughter would grow up knowing such an amazing man. Since he's a teacher, he's developed a LOT of opinions about kids & parenting. He told me it sounds like I'm doing a good job with my Layla. That meant the world. I've fought for mine & Hubbs' parenting methods for over 2 years now, against sooooo many old bitties that had opposing views. I re-actively parented Layla as an infant. I nursed her on-demand. If she cried, I tended to her. Everyone told me how wrong I was, how I was coddling my (0-8 month old) baby. But now she's so smart & independent & adventurous & fearless. She knows we love her, even when she's in trouble, and we'll never ditch her. If that's what comes from coddling, I'm gonna keep doin what I do... proudly.

Time for a change...

I'm beginning to realize I can't keep going like this. Beginning? Ha! I really, really can't keep going like this; that's closer to accurate. I wake up in the morning, generally in a fair mood. Today I was even in a good mood. Now, about 90 minutes into my day, I've already cried & yelled & now I get a text from the Hubbs saying his 2nd job needs him to work (after ignoring all his attempts to contact them yesterday when he had alllllll day off from his 1st job!) but his 1st job has him scheduled so he can't work his 2nd. Another week of being fucked by someone who's supposed to be "such a wonderful boss" and "a truly good Christian"... and who routinely says her customers don't matter. I'm just beside myself pissed off and Hubbs is even worse off. 

Where do we go from here? How do I make a change to better our situation? How do I change my perspective here? Or how the fuck do we get out of this God-awful place???

You know, I participate in several lotteries... have for years. I wish I had luck. I've never had luck. I swear I was born under a bad moon. We really try so hard tho. We go without to try & help others. We give when we don't have, just to show people some love. Everyone needs that. We try, and we do succeed at that, but it just hurts us. But I can't stop doing that. 

Why? Because I believe in God... I think. I don't know. I DO believe in love though. I believe that love can save anyone & there's never too much & the entire reason we're here is to spread love. I believe love is the only thing that can turn the world around, bring us closer to Paradise - no matter what your definition of Paradise is. 

How do I spread that? How do I get myself into a position to do the only thing that has been on my heart for my entire life?

I was never good enough for my family. My dad walked out of the room when I popped out a girl. My mom has tried to change me ever since that day & my brothers constantly tell me how wrong everything I've ever done is. My grades were always just a hair shy of my brothers, which meant I "wasn't trying hard enough." My house is never clean enough for anyone's liking; 'if I only work part-time, why isn't my house immaculate'?

The one thing that kept me going for the last 25 years has been hope. Hope that I would find a man that loved ME, for exactly who I am, and we could have a family & be happy. I did find him. Hubbs has NEVER ONCE tried to change me. He loves my starry-eyed idealism, it's one of his favorite traits he says. He loves that I don't back down when someone else is picking on the little guy. He loves that I FIGHT for what I believe. He loves that I will push myself far past my limits to succeed at whatever I've zeroed in on. He loves ME. And that saved my life. Literally.

And then my daughter came... my little miracle. I never knew unconditional love until her. I was never supposed to be able to have kids, but she's here and now she has a sibling on the way. As terrified as I am about how we'll make it now, I wouldn't change having them for anything. Not for all the money in the universe. 

And that's the only consistent thing in my life; my BURNING NEED to bring love to the world. To show people what love can do... it's saving power. 

How can you make people hear that, though? Maybe this blog will help? Maybe this will get passed on by the few of  you who've read it... maybe my message can get spread around if you share this with your friends. 

Comment, follow, share, link.... Spread the love, guys. That's all I'm asking. Help me show people that even when you have nothing left, if you can share a little love, at least you can brighten someone's day. 

It's Christmastime. It's also supposedly the end of the world this week. Haha.

As I near the end of my first trimester, I'm finding a need for drastic changes in our lives. I'm really not sure where to go though. We're thinking about leaving the state... moving far, far away. We feel like this state is flat-out rejecting us. We just keep getting knocked down every time we manage to gain a little ground. Frustrating doesn't come close to describing how I feel. Desperate is a little closer to it. Even that doesn't do justice.

I've hand-washed laundry for 3 people in our bathtub & line-dried it in our bedroom for months. Hubbs is working 60-80 hrs/wk, every week. I work when he's not, but I only manage to bring home about $200/mo. I also do surveys & stuff online, but it's not very lucrative. We adults are counting calories to make sure we're only eating enough & nothing extra... all the extra is for Layla. I haven't gotten a new clothing item in about 5 months, and I don't own a single pair of pants that fit correctly. Everything is too big now. I have about 4 shirts that fit. We shop at the $1 store as much as possible: food, cleaning items, soap, razors, batteries... anything we can get there, we do. Everything else is coupons on generics that are on sale.

And now work has stopped scheduling me with no warning, and keeps scheduling Hubbs outside of his availability, which is compromising his second (and higher-paying) job. Amazing. Seems to be because the GM got in trouble for doing exactly what they're continuing to do, which makes no damn sense. What, if you do it enough times we'll start letting it slide? Really? You break your own policies, as well as laws, and you think we're gonna roll over? Oh, honey. You don't know us, do you?


I'm just not sure how much longer we can go on like this. We're paying such a huge huge price, and I'm not sure what the crime was...