This winter is about cleansing. Purging. Renewal. Cleaning out my closet, so to speak. I have a lot of cobwebs to knock out of the rafters before this little bean is born.

I was talking to my older brother last night. That doesn't happen nearly enough. He's amazing, really. He's so insightful & gentle-spirited & kind. We were discussing our childhood. We've both realized how poor a job our parents did, but that they tried. For each of the 3 of us kids, it hurt us in a different way. What was damaged in me was my sense of security, my faith in unconditional love (FOR but not FROM myself), and my self-esteem. I know that last one's really on me now, as Katt Williams says: " Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. " But without a solid foundation of worth in your family's eyes, how do you build any self-esteem? That's a tall order when you only hear things like "you're worthless" from your parentals. If that's the internal dialogue they create for you, how exactly do you overwrite that with nothing more than willpower? No reinforcement, no consenting opinions... just you.

That translated to a conversation about parenting. Jason's older by 2 years, he's married, they have an adorable little dog, he's a teacher. They don't have any kids yet, so far I'm the only one. But he's going to be an amazing parent. I really wish we lived closer than we do so my daughter would grow up knowing such an amazing man. Since he's a teacher, he's developed a LOT of opinions about kids & parenting. He told me it sounds like I'm doing a good job with my Layla. That meant the world. I've fought for mine & Hubbs' parenting methods for over 2 years now, against sooooo many old bitties that had opposing views. I re-actively parented Layla as an infant. I nursed her on-demand. If she cried, I tended to her. Everyone told me how wrong I was, how I was coddling my (0-8 month old) baby. But now she's so smart & independent & adventurous & fearless. She knows we love her, even when she's in trouble, and we'll never ditch her. If that's what comes from coddling, I'm gonna keep doin what I do... proudly.