I'm beginning to realize I can't keep going like this. Beginning? Ha! I really, really can't keep going like this; that's closer to accurate. I wake up in the morning, generally in a fair mood. Today I was even in a good mood. Now, about 90 minutes into my day, I've already cried & yelled & now I get a text from the Hubbs saying his 2nd job needs him to work (after ignoring all his attempts to contact them yesterday when he had alllllll day off from his 1st job!) but his 1st job has him scheduled so he can't work his 2nd. Another week of being fucked by someone who's supposed to be "such a wonderful boss" and "a truly good Christian"... and who routinely says her customers don't matter. I'm just beside myself pissed off and Hubbs is even worse off.
Where do we go from here? How do I make a change to better our situation? How do I change my perspective here? Or how the fuck do we get out of this God-awful place???
You know, I participate in several lotteries... have for years. I wish I had luck. I've never had luck. I swear I was born under a bad moon. We really try so hard tho. We go without to try & help others. We give when we don't have, just to show people some love. Everyone needs that. We try, and we do succeed at that, but it just hurts us. But I can't stop doing that.
Why? Because I believe in God... I think. I don't know. I DO believe in love though. I believe that love can save anyone & there's never too much & the entire reason we're here is to spread love. I believe love is the only thing that can turn the world around, bring us closer to Paradise - no matter what your definition of Paradise is.
How do I spread that? How do I get myself into a position to do the only thing that has been on my heart for my entire life?
I was never good enough for my family. My dad walked out of the room when I popped out a girl. My mom has tried to change me ever since that day & my brothers constantly tell me how wrong everything I've ever done is. My grades were always just a hair shy of my brothers, which meant I "wasn't trying hard enough." My house is never clean enough for anyone's liking; 'if I only work part-time, why isn't my house immaculate'?
The one thing that kept me going for the last 25 years has been hope. Hope that I would find a man that loved ME, for exactly who I am, and we could have a family & be happy. I did find him. Hubbs has NEVER ONCE tried to change me. He loves my starry-eyed idealism, it's one of his favorite traits he says. He loves that I don't back down when someone else is picking on the little guy. He loves that I FIGHT for what I believe. He loves that I will push myself far past my limits to succeed at whatever I've zeroed in on. He loves ME. And that saved my life. Literally.
And then my daughter came... my little miracle. I never knew unconditional love until her. I was never supposed to be able to have kids, but she's here and now she has a sibling on the way. As terrified as I am about how we'll make it now, I wouldn't change having them for anything. Not for all the money in the universe.
And that's the only consistent thing in my life; my BURNING NEED to bring love to the world. To show people what love can do... it's saving power.
How can you make people hear that, though? Maybe this blog will help? Maybe this will get passed on by the few of you who've read it... maybe my message can get spread around if you share this with your friends.
Comment, follow, share, link.... Spread the love, guys. That's all I'm asking. Help me show people that even when you have nothing left, if you can share a little love, at least you can brighten someone's day.
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